In a surprise move, the Hugo Award Fair Competition Committee for Noreascon 4 has decided to forcibly retire several perennial Hugo winners by naming the awards after them.
"After a while, people who win the same award year after year after year should have the grace and dignity to remove themselves from the nominating process," said Noreascon spokesman Aguirre Downsize. "Unfortunately, these greedy bastards haven't taken the hint, so we're just going to shove their asses right off the podium."
To assuage the egos of the forcibly retired, their names will be permanently affixed to the Hugos they dominated as follows:
Those who have had a Hugo named after them will be permanently barred from winning further Hugos, even in categories not named after them. "You hear that Langford? You're gone! Outta here! No more Hugos for you! Ever!"
Best Fan Writer will become the David Langford Hugo for Fabulous Fanwriting
- Best Semiprozine will become the Charles N. Brown Hugo for Superior Semiprozine
- Best Editor will become the Gardner Dozois Hugo for Excellent Editing
- Best Artist will become the Bob Eggleton/Michael Whelan Hugo for Artistic Achievement
- Best Short Story will become the Michael Swanwick/Connie Willis Hugo for Spectacular Short Fiction
In the case of combined Hugos, the committee felt it best to kill two birds with one stone. "There was a lot of sentiment for naming the short fiction award after Swanwick alone, but then I asked the committee 'Does anyone here want to see Connie Willis win another Hugo?' Not a single person raised their hand." The idea of narrowing the Eggleton/Whelan Award title down to a single artist, decided by a steel cage wrestling match between the two, was briefly discussed but ultimately rejected due to liability concerns.
The idea of renaming the Best Novel Hugo after Robert A. Heinlein was rejected as well. "C'mon, the guy's dead. He's not snatching Hugos off the mantelpieces of hungry young writers. Besides, we want to hold that in reserve in case we need to keep Lois McMaster Bujold in line."
Also rejected was the idea of renaming the short story award after Harlan Ellison. "Sure, Ellison's got five, but he's a spent force. His last Short Story Hugo was way back in 1978. Besides, if he ever gets cocky again, there's still room on the award to add another name. That goes for you too, Resnick."
The committee said that future Worldcons would have the option of renaming other awards after consistent winners. "We were one vote away from the Brad Foster/Teddy Harvia Hugo for Funny Fan Artist, but if one of them wins this year, hasta la vista, baby! And we're watching Ted Chiang very, very closely."
L. Ron Creepweans contributed pieces to Locus Online's 2003 April 1st news report about Michael Swanwick, Baen Books, and James Cameron.