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Special Reports


1 April 2009

Clarion Workshop Reality Show

by Ferje Vedfamner

Bowing to hard economic times, Clarions East and West1 have joined forces under the auspices of newly appointed director Dave Itzkoff and signed with the SyFy channel to participate in a new reality show called "Clarion Call: Fight to Write." Effective immediately, both workshops will be scaled back to three weeks and 15 students each. At the end of every day of shooting, one student will be eliminated. After the first 15 episodes have aired, the survivors of both Clarions will take each other on in a cage match televised live by SyFy and their new affiliate Shyte TV.

"Their only weapons in the final will be these huge old-style typewriters, which most of the students have never seen before and don't know how to use," said SyFy Channel executive producer Cole Blackhart. "We think it'll make for great drama — and be a good lead-in to the pilot of our new paranormal cop show, Pretty Fly for a Mansquito."

In addition to recruiting some regular applicants, SyFy will sign a few celebrity students. According to Blackhart, these celebrities will include a female cast member from Space 1999, Ron Jeremy, and the guy who really, really tried to get some writing done in the first couple episodes of Real World London.

Although the instructors haven't been hired yet, Ethan Hawke, Jewel, and Ralph Reed are all rumored to be in the running. Students, meanwhile, will be judged on criteria such as characterization, applied eccentricity, ability to absorb jello shots, loud declamation of their awesomeness, high level of world-weary cynicism, and indifference to the sufferings of their fellow students.

"This should be like the snap and the crackle and the pop to the hip youthsters of today," said Blackhart, reading from a press release. "But it should also appeal to the few remaining filthy geeks hiding out in their mother's basements that used to be our core audience before we hired Blackwater special ops to liquidate them."

The vote in favor of the show was not unanimous for the mysterious Clarion Foundation. The Foundation runs Clarion East — as well as an energy company in Central Asia, an export-import business in Khartoum, and a hog commune in Alabama — from a fortified bunker hidden behind the shooting range in Karen Joy Fowler's backyard.

When reached for comment by phone, board member Kelly Link said, "Those stupid --------ing mother-------. Dip---- amateurs with their ----- ---------, lower than a ----- in a ---------- ----- -----!! They can take that donkey and ------ with the -----, then ------ ----- anvil ------ -----! If I ever run into one of them, I'll cut their ----- off with a chainsaw and shove them up ------ ----- and then ------ ------ with the lampshade. Don't mess with me, fool or I'll ----- ---- -----!!! I'll do it. I swear I will. Son of a b----!!!!"

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